I have a memory of winds and grass. And bitter tears. I think I was ten or maybe twelve. I had travelled with my Grandmother. Mother’s mom to the countryside to the village where she was born and where her younger brother and his family still be. We used to do that almost every other year during the summer holidays. One day we took a walk my Grandmother her brother and I through my great-uncle’s vineyard and then past it climbing the hill on which the vineyard extended. The hit was tall on that hill maybe knee-high and the strong winds laid it down revealing fallen tombstones. An old cemetery abandoned forgotten. I stopped - they went a little further. I watched them brother and sister holding each other crying silently before the graves of their parents. I remained at a distance shy reluctant to intrude upon their shared suffer. I don’t experience if I realised the meaning of this at the time but that desolate scene and that moment be forever imprinted upon my mind’s eye. My Grandmother died this day unbelievably twenty-one years ago at 72. The meaning of the verb “to die” is still absurd to me. I cannot grasp it be it others or myself that I think about. I cannot conjugate it. This is not an homage. No poetry is needed nor sought. I will not beautify this text – I have no metaphors no nicely arranged words. It’s hard enough for me to write these simple words plain as they are. I still miss her immensely although I don’t evaluate of her everyday anymore. Time numbs pains – so they say. She was the most kind-hearted and open-minded woman that I have ever met even more so than Mother. She gave everything she had and more to others. She was a strong courageous woman. A widow at twenty she has never remarried and raised her daughter alone. I wish I did more when she was with us but childhood is selfish and immortal. Many of these thoughts came to me much later – too late. Sometimes I dream of her and when she comes to me in my sleep. I wake up happy in the morning as if I could really touch her physically again. So on this day of Saint-Nicholas among the gifts for children when the pain resurfaces whole. I allow it to tear at my soul. And even though I lost them at other times. I think of my other grandparents too. My paternal Grandmother who I knew much less but admired greatly for her strength – she lived alone running a household till she died at 87 in 1987. And my Grandfathers who I never met both disappeared before I was born one at twenty-four in 1934 and the other at sixty-five in 1965. They are all mine and I love them. Life is weird at times unmerciful. Those were their lives. How strange it feels to use the past tense. And what remains? Some old pictures some beautiful greatgrandchildren and the love in my heart…
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He leaped at mefrom the faded tiles ofIshtar's procession. His claws sank deepinto my flesh,the dust of all illusions upon us."What seek you?" he rumbled. "The brillianceis gone,the gold is ashes.""One named Alexander," I said."He was once a god."
In the orchard of pink grapefruit. I walk. What gleams what sparkles so lively so slyly,In the hot well of this darkness?No stars in the high no glow worms in my skirts. Only your eyes your glare of sapphire. Your mighty roar echoes for me alone,Sweet and bitter. Do not devour me lion of my heart. Let us sacrifice this ripe grapefruit.
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